Riley's Home

Riley was born 5lbs 6oz, but lost quite a bit of weight her first few days. It started going up again recently. Since they're only keeping her to make sure she's eating and growing we were hoping to get her home today, but at rounds yesterday her Neonatologist was concerned about releasing her on a Friday because the pediatrician isn't in the office on weekends.
She did so well they released her today after all! What a relief...She's 5lbs 2oz and amazing. Now for the next part of the adventure...

Baby, why aren't you growing?

I went for my weekly appointment this afternoon. I gained 2lbs since last week, had no contractions to report and have not dilated any further, all good. The catch is that after having 32 weeks of the baby's growth being right on target she's suddenly "a little small." The doctor ordered an ultrasound for tomorrow afternoon to get a weight and make sure there isn't anything dangerous restricting growth all the sudden. Her heart rate is still good, but if she quite literally ran out of room to grow it could be a big problem for us both. I know that kind of thing happens to dwarf mothers sometimes and I'm only an inch or two taller than that. It may be nothing, but if there is anything limiting growth at this critical stage or the slow down in growth is a danger to either of us she'll have to come out. Fingers crossed. Again, every time I comfort myself with something (ex: at least I'm not on bed rest, at least I haven't dilated or at least the baby's growing right on target) it happens. I'll update you guys after my appointment. By the way, tomorrow is 33 weeks, another reason to hope for good news.

Other People's Baby's are Amazing

So, I've always liked babies, who doesn't? In the beginning of my pregnancy I wasn't exactly repulsed by them or anything, but definitely apathetic. I think the turning point came when I started thinking of my baby less in terms of a stomach flu and more as a human being. Some time late in my 2nd trimester I suddenly couldn't get enough of other people's babies. I don't just visit with them and dote on them like I would have before I existed in a complete state of awe of them. They are amazing little miracles. I love them all in some small way that makes me wonder how overwhelming the flood of emotion will be when my own arrives.

Ivy, my cousin's daughters, and I a few years before my pregnancy


Mya, another cousin's daughter, and I a few months before I got pregnant

Corbin, my friends' son, and I at the beginning of my 7th month of pregnancy


Millianna and I, another friend's daughter. (7months pregnant)

Fairy Child

by Katie Calahan

The fairies dance in the light of your eyes and ride the breeze of your gentle sighs
Child of fairies
Baby so new
Blessed and beautiful and beloved are you
To us mortals you’ll be not a moment to soon and yet long overdue
Poet and scholar
Solider and muse
Eyes and hair of heavenly hues
Wonder of wonders
Light beyond the stars
My every wish I never knew I was wishing
Some celestial secret prayer
The softest and sweetest eternal part of me
Sharer of my body and soul for moments unmatched
Sparkling, shimmering love of my life

Jail Break

I escaped twice this week. I went to the park and laid on a blanket for a bit just to be outside, which was amazing except for the bugs. My big exciting outing was on Saturday night I went for my maternity photo session. I was so excited.

I put an ad on Craigslist about a month ago looking for a photographer to take some maternity photos in exchange for being able to use the photos for their portfolio/advertising, etc. I had a lot of responses from male photographers whose entire portfolios were composed of half naked porn women. Why someone like that was interested in branching out into maternity photography is beyond me. Eventually I had a response from a woman in Largo who had up until that point been doing pet photography and wanted to start doing maternity and newborn photos. She was happy to take my photos in exchange for having the right to use them on her site and promotional material. After having shown Michael some of the portfolios with half naked girls in the jungle, etc I asked him at some point to mark the calendar for Saturday the 1st at 7pm. I told him to just write “Mat. Photos”. He misunderstood and asked “Are you sure you want some guy named Matt taking these?” I thought that was so funny! “No honey, mat as in short for maternity.”She wasn't what I expected, but I think she had the same feeling about me. I did send her my picture and describe my tiny build to her in an email so she'd know what she was getting herself into. One of her first comments was "Boy you are tiny. How can we make you look bigger?" She was a very petite blonde herself and at one point remarked "I've never seen anyone my size pregnant before." We met at a park and got some great last light of the day shots. Not to worry I took the wheelchair and didn't walk a single step. Michael played photographers’ assistant and held the reflector most of the time we were at the park, but he did join me in a couple shots too.

When we started really losing the light and the humidity was too much we headed to her nearby air conditioned studio. That part was really fun too. We did some lying on my side, some with a message on my belly and a couple with Mike holding my belly. She was good, but definitely new to working with people. Mike was watching and interjecting "move your hair out of your face" or "unfurrow your brow", etc which not only didn't seem to annoy her but actually emboldened her a bit.

She'll be editing for a few days, but I should be able to see them midweek. She's going to send me a cd of all the images and a postcard featuring my photo (one of the ones where I'm wearing a shirt I've been assured) to give to my pregnant friends. I'm so grateful I got to do it. I wanted something special to remember my one and only pregnancy and besides the bedrest limitations I was really nervous I wouldn't make it this far in my pregnancy or have the means to make it happen (those sessions range from $300-600). Hurray, resourcefulness! Hurray, having my picture taken! Hurray for my big old belly!

Also, I was just looking at one of my countdowns today and the baby will be here in 60 days at the most! Can you believe it? It's almost over. Talk about mixed emotions.

Rebecca Brittain Photography

Jamie Gress Photography

Naming a Person

We started talking about names of potential future kids early on in our relationship the way you do when you're young and with someone new. We had decided early on if we had a little girl she'd be Serenity Wysteria. The moment I got pregnant I lost all love for that name. I chalk it up to an instinct that this baby just wouldn't be suited to it.
So, it was back to square one with girl names which I figured would be fun because there are so many options. We switched gears and discussed boy names at that point and Megatron Batman was our favorite to joke about, but never actually a practical option. We liked Simon Oliver, but I hit on Maverick and that was that. We were completely sold. I used to drive home from work picturing my little Maverick and I could see him so clearly. I think I was in love with him even then. I liked the name because it's different and sounds strong, but most importantly because it means "fiercely independent." It came to mean that because there was a cattle rancher with that surname who refused to brand his cattle. Cool stuff. With that decided it was back to girl names...
I threw out hundreds of ideas which were dismissed out of hand like Gracie or Lucy. Michael had negative associations with or just found most of my ideas ugly. I remembered that once I had looked up the meaning of my sister's name, Jessie, and found an alternative suggestion was the name Jessalyn. I always thought that was beautiful and very feminine. It still means "gift from god or woman of wealth" depending on whether you go with Greek or Latin. Mike liked it too and from our mutual love of Greek Mythology we decided Eris, the goddess of discord, would make a beautiful middle name for Jessalyn. I can just imagine our beautiful sneaky little Jessalyn Eris. It was great, but maybe not the one. I had been talking about my little fairy baby and Mike found the name Aerilyn which means "beautiful air" and sounded like a consort of Maab, queen of the fairies, to me. Middle names were tricky on that one Eris certainly wouldn't do. We then discovered that Sapphire not only refers to the blue gem stone, but also means "of Saturn" the Greek god of earth. So she would be beautiful air belonging to the earth. I just worry that people would forever say you mean Carolyn or Marilyn? So, one day I happened to mention my friend had a daughter named Riley and to my great surprise Mike said "I like that." So I looked it up and Riley very literally means "a clearing in the rye", but also means "courageous woman." Now I loved it, but again Eris wasn't the best choice for middle name and I came across another friend with a child named Grey and thought Riley Grey was really nice. I like what we had so far, but kept searching and it turns out we both like Violet and thought maybe Violet Eris or Violet Wyllow would be pretty.
Family and friends are pretty evenly divided between Riley and Jessalyn for the most part and I have some minor issues with both. I don't mind my daughter's name being similar to my sister's but don't really want anyone to think that's why I picked it. Also Jessalyn is so unique and pretty and everyone would call her Jess or Jessie. The issue with Riley is it becoming more and more common. So, the other night Mike suggested Rylyn, which I love because it's a compromise between the two. Pretty and different and not so likely to be shortened. There was just one problem there Rylyn doesn't go with our last name at all. No good. Bummer.
Also adding to the problem of committing is that Mike insists we see her first and then decide. He claims that's what they did with Isaac. Well, it makes me nervous that we'll see her and still won't know. Our friend said when her son was born they had narrowed it down to a few names and none of them seemed right. They decided to take him home and think about it. The nurse however would not let them leave without a name on the birth certificate. They didn't know what to do and while they were thinking about it her husband pointed out that he had a crooked nose. So, Cameron had a name, Cameron means crooked nose. It really does suit him. It's such a great story.
The other thing I don't like about waiting is I don't know what to call her. She, her, baby, little one, pumpkin all work, but I want her to have an identity. It just seems so important to make sure it's the right name that suits her personality, has a good meaning and looks and sounds good. Hopefully we'll find "the one" soon.

Third Trimester Reflections

I can't believe it's been 7months. Times takes on a different sort of shape and feel when you're pregnant. I remember the time before I took the test stretching on and on forever in the early days I wanted to go back there. To that still calm period when I suspected, but maintained total ignorance. I ignored the little twinges, didn't over analysis what I ate or worry about every possible outcome of my life decisions (as much). Then there was the storm of emotions when I was faced with the reality of things. Maybe storm is an inappropriate metaphor, more like monsoon or tsunami. I was shaking with anticipation and then there was a slow leak of information permeating the wall of my complete shock. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. When that wall fell I was engulfed by emotion. Mostly negative to begin with. I could barely speak through my tears. I don't remember any one emotion being predominate, but I would guess it was fear. After I calmed down slightly I just felt like I was in a fog that never lifted. One day it did and I was completely at peace. It was the most calm I'd ever felt in my life. My cousin told me it was my maternal instincts kicking in because stress is bad for the baby.
That was early on and didn't last long. I was so sick in the beginning. I didn't want to eat or even move. The same cousin informed me that one day at about 11wks it would be like someone flipped a switch and I'd feel better. I remember thinking I'd never survive the 6wks it would take to get to that point. I just kept telling Mike "I'm no good at pregnant." I was beyond miserable. The lowest moment came near the end of that time when I was fired. I'd never been fired before ever. I thought I was good at my job, but running to the ladies room to puke every night and calling out for trips to the ER don't go over well. I was still feel sad thinking about that phone call. When I hung up I kept thinking two more weeks and I'd be fine. Why couldn't they wait two weeks?
Then like promised the switch flipped. That's when the excitement started to set in. I had the energy to be out and about, I was eating without throwing up again, my skin started clearing up, my hair grew and so did my belly. It wasn't easy I had my stupid hip popping out of the socket, the bursitis (same hip), swelling, horrible back pain and a couple of scares, but over all I feel pretty good. I was doing maternity yoga which helped a lot, but pregnancy’s rough on a tiny person with bad joints and tight muscles. 11-26wks was good. I started to feel excited. My maternity clothes fit better, I bought some things for the baby and oh, the ultrasounds. First peek at little one didn't count it was at 8wks in the ER no pictures and the baby closely resembled a gummy bear. The second time I cried. It was a person with fingers, toes, a face and a beating heart. A person I made that was alerting me to its presence with lots of kicks at that point. A beautiful healthy baby. The third time was a wonderful one too. Not only did I know there was a person in there, but now I knew what kind of person it was. I thought I'd be disappointed depending on what we heard, but I was thrilled beyond belief just to know. I'll talk more about that day after tomorrow when everyone finds out.
The last few weeks were scary and stressful. I have a ticker on one of the baby sites I go to counting days since I was put on bed rest and I can never believe how few it's been. On the plus side I'm more ravenous than ever and obviously not able to burn off all the calories so my belly (and baby) are expanding. I hope this little one stays put and keeps growing for a while. I'm really going to miss feeling the baby move around in there. So, now we wait. I'm no good at that never have been and it's literally all I can do until the baby comes. Which I cry when I think about. I think I'm noticing alot more weepiness lately in general, but think about holding your first baby and tell me if it doesn't stir emotion. To be fair though the sight of a cheeseburger "stirs emotion" for me at this point. (:
So, there you have an overview of my emotional roller coaster to date. Much more commentary to come about what's happened and happening with me and the baby. Thanks for reading.

Michael Takes A Pregnancy Test

I thought I'd share the story of the day I found out I was pregnant. A little background information first though. I have always loved children and I vividly recall telling people when I was starting middle school I wanted ten children so there'd always be a baby in the house. Well, by the time I reached adulthood I had decided pregnancy was not for me and any children I ended up with were going to have to be adopted, but I was in no rush for that. I'd even come to peace with the idea of never having any kids at all.
January of 2008 I had to have emergency surgery to remove a fibroid from my uterus. (Uterine Fibroids are benign tumors that grow within the muscle tissue of the uterus. Uterine fibroids can cause symptoms such as excessive bleeding, pain and disfigurement which can persist until menopause if left untreated.) It was just one of those things, one minute I was fine and the next I was not. Anyway, I won't go into it too much here, but when the fibroid first appeared (a couple months before it had to come out) I missed my period for the first time in my life.
So, fast forward to this February: I've just started working a midnight-8am shift at a new job, Mike and I are not in a good place and I'm late. When the time came and went I figured I'd miscounted because I'm very regular. When it was clearly not an addition error I mentioned to Mike that I was late, but not concerned (at least about pregnancy). He asked me to test and I refused explaining that if it was negative, which I was sure it would be, it would prove I had another fibroid.
So another week went by and I felt increasingly crappy. I chalked the fatigue up to my horrible work schedule and figured I was nauseous because I was eating at weird hours and not enough because I was sleeping all the time. I even fainted once, but I blamed blood sugar. So, I promised I would take a test over the weekend if it hadn't come.
It hadn't come by Friday, February 13th and I got home from work around 8:30am ate "breakfast" and went to bed. I woke up around 4:30pm having had some terrible dream I can't remember now and decided it was time. I went into the bathroom knowing I couldn't hold it long enough to find the test so I peed in a cup and than started looking for the test. I was banging around sleepy and angry for a few minutes. Mike heard the commotion and came to check on me. He of course found the test in less than a second and headed it to me, which only made me more pissed off, so I said you do it and handed it back. Then I went and got back in bed.
It's important to note that 1)I'd only ever seen a positive pregnancy test once in person and it was a prop on a movie I was shooting 2)The test was a First Response Rapid Response meaning it only takes one minute to show a result, but is less sensitive to HCG. (I've done extensive research on pregnancy tests, how they work and probability of false positives since than. By the way girls it's 0% they only give false negatives.)
So, exactly one minute later Mike came into the bedroom with a blank expression. I could barely look at him. It went something like this: "Well?"
"Well, you don't have a fibroid." He starts to smile.
"What! No. You're shitting me."
"No, I'm not."
"No way. You're shitting me."
"No it's definitely positive. The line was pretty dark. Good job producing HCG." he's laughing now.
"Show me. I don't believe you."
He goes and gets the test from the bathroom which looks like this (the lighter line is the control, the darker one was the test line):

I'm pretty sure that's when I started crying.
That's how we found out. Completely bizarre, I kept thinking "I can't get pregnant. I don't get pregnant, other people get pregnant." Among a whole host of other things. Even when you're careful sometimes as they say in Jurassic Park "nature finds a way." It happened. And here we are 24weeks later over halfway through and I've got a one pound little person kicking me from the inside. (:
So, I guess that makes me double wrong, first about the fibroid and than about ever being pregnant. Katie 0 Universe 2...

The Timeline So Far

*My Last Period: January 7th
*My 27th Birthday: February 8th
*Positive Home Pregnancy Test: February 13th at 4:30pm
*Doctor Confirmed Positive Pregnancy Test: February 17th
*First Trip to the Emergency Room (dehydration because of morning sickness)/First Time We Saw the Baby on Ultrasound & Heard Heartbeat (160): March 6th
*First Prenatal Appointment: March 9th at 1:30
*Fired (thank you morning sickness) From My Job: March 12th
*First Prenatal Appointment With New DR: March 17th (baby's heart rate is still 160)
*First Maternity Yoga Class: March 17th
*Second Trimester!!/Big Pregnancy Announcing Day: March 31st
*Second Prenatal Visit w/the New DR: April 14th (baby's heartrate 153)
*First time I Felt the Baby Move: May 1st- I realized that I had been feeling the baby move all weekend on May 3rd
*Prenatal Visit: May 12th (baby's heart rate is 140)
*Ultrasound: May 21st (baby's heart rate 143)
*HALFWAY POINT: May 26th
*Finished Making the Baby Shower Invitations: June 1st
*Prenatal Visit: June 8th (baby's heart rate 145)
*Went to Labor and Delivery and released on "pelvic rest":June 14th
*Follow Up w/Dr: June 15th (baby's heart rate 143)