Why Mike is My Hero

Everyone was cool with sandwiches for dinner last night except me. I mean I didn't pitch a fit or anything. I would've eaten one (I don't have any trouble eating lately). But I wanted tacos. So, Mike went to the store and got the ingredients we didn't have without a word of complaint. He made fresh guacamole from scratch for starters. They were amazing tacos. I enjoyed them thoroughly last night and again for lunch today. I told Mike if his babies are as good as his tacos we're all set

Babysitters

So, Mike and I had a discussion not long ago about the fact that we don't get out much datewise. He says having Isaac as young as he did he had to accept a long time ago that he wouldn't get out much. He says asking for babysittting is not something he's comfortable doing on a regular basis. I think he feels it's an imposition on his family after all he said "I don't have a Katie in my neighborhood."
For those of you who didn't know me then I was the girl to call for babysitting in my middle and high school years. I got certified with the Red Cross in babysitting and first aid when I was 12 and then I hit the ground running. I advertised in my mom's pediatric office, but mostly I watched the neighborhood kids, all of them. I babysat 5-7days a week sometimes twice a day. From newborns to 10yrs olds, only children and families with 6 children I sat them. I used to bring craft projects to entertain them and always left the house cleaner than I found it. Word spread quickly and I remember on nights like New Years Eve corralling 4 or 5 neighborhood kids at one house for the night. I loved it. There were even kids who cried when they woke up in the morning and I was gone.
I was talking to someone whose kids I used to watch and she said "you can't have a baby, you're the babysitter." Funny, I had that exact thought at some point. I'm hoping all that good babysitting karma will come back to me, now that I'm in need. Whether Michael came to grips with having no social life 7yrs ago or not, I have made no such concession (although, I have made many others). I realize they’ll be no leaving the house without at least one kid for a while, but I am unwilling to never go out without them. If I'm going to stay sane and our relationship is going to make it there have to be nights off.

Security/Insecurity

I wish I could say that I planned carefully for this baby built up some savings, some maternity leave and found a bigger house. Not how it happened. To sum up a very LONG story. I left my apartment and job with benefits to move in with Michael. I was unable to find steady work for months and by the time I did was pregnant. We all know about that, firing me two weeks shy of finishing my first trimester.
So, what now? I'm supposed to have faith that someone else will support me. It's hard depending on the someone I think. Especially when that someone plays by their own rules, drags their feet and refuses to change course until an actual crisis has occurred (if then)
When I was born my parents had been married over a year, my dad owned his home and both my parents where working full time. I always thought that's the way it would be. I never thought I'd be unemployed, renting a house that's too small and living with someone with very unsteady income as well as raising a 6yr old.
Marriage isn't important to me in relation to having the baby, but I did believe I would at least have an engagement ring by now. Not that that would change anything. I was also hoping to move into a bigger place by the end of summer, which can't happen. So we make due, swap rooms and hope it's temporary. I think the disappointment and sense of insecurity is worse for me because I never wanted this life. I never thought I would be a wife and mother, but I was sure if I was it would be on my terms.
Maybe I'm being tested so that I understand how little it takes for me to be a good parent. Maybe Michael will get the job of a lifetime and all will be right with the world in a few months. Maybe I'll be the breadwinner soon. Maybe we won't make it through this and I'll face the world as a single parent. Maybe the stress will lead to heart attacks on one or both our parts and our family will be left to care for our children. And so on and so forth into eternity...
The uncertainty makes every breath the carrier of doubt and fear. I love Michael and Isaac and I hope every day that we've made the right choices and that the solution is waiting to be discovered. I always wanted more. I wouldn't have ventured 2,000 miles from home for college, lived in several strange cities, etc if the status quo appealed to me. I thought I was making sacrifices to ensure ending up with more. Maybe I will, hard to say as patience has never been my strong suit.
Oh, baby I hope you come home to the home you deserve. I'm waiting for you and I can't wait to meet you. I hope we're ready.