I am not going to spend a paragraph apologizing for my feelings, that's all they are my very valid emotional response to a difficult situation. I am not mad at anyone or trying to solicit sympathy. I need to write it out and hopefully let go of some of it and maybe someone will find themselves here and take comfort in remembering that someone else felt this way.
I was doing pretty well with being confined to bed for a while, but at some point after the baby shower I realized that although I could make a list of baby stuff left to get I couldn't go spend the gift cards to get those items. That was the first moment leaving the house seemed so important and I wished, as prepared as I was, that I'd done more sooner. I mean, am I supposed to just send Michael to Target with a list and hope he doesn't get frustrated and give up on his least favorite task? Especially when it was something I was so looking forward to. I have no answer.
The list of things I was looking forward to goes on and on...free professional maternity photos, my best friend's wedding and bridal shower, the tour of the maternity ward, taking Isaac to his first day of first grade, a trip somewhere with just Michael and I before the baby (or even an evening or two to ourselves), The Time Traveler's Wife coming to theaters, and paying off my car. It's overwhelmingly depressing. Michael keeps pointing out the once or twice I got up and did the dishes, etc and then had contractions later. Where I agree the physical labor of housework was a mistake how can sitting calmly in the car, enjoying some good company and coming back home to bed so terrible?
This weekend was the worst by far. I was supposed to have a visitor on Saturday. I was really looking forward to it all week and in the end she couldn't make it at the last minute. Ordinarily, I'd reschedule and move on with life, but I couldn't see straight I was so disappointed. It was like all my hope of getting through this with my mind in tact left me. On top of that I waited months for my amazing birthday present of an adult night out to see a play. I can count the number of dates Michael I have been on since we've been together on one hand. I'd been insisting since I got pregnant that we take a trip just the two of us (or get someone to watch Isaac for a night or two) before the baby and it never happened. Now even if we get alone time we can’t really take advantage of it. Bed rest is not very romantic. I know if we can't find time to go out as a couple now and then with a 6yr old it will never happen with a newborn. I knew we'd have obstacles because Michael has Isaac, but I didn't think we'd have so little time alone. I can't imagine the next 18yrs being this way. I was so looking forward to our night out this weekend especially since I haven't done or even seen live theater since I came to Florida. I didn't think the reality of it would hurt so badly. In the end it represented all the things I've given up to be here, all the parts of my life before I miss desperately and all the things about my immediate and distant future that scare me.
On top of everything else I am a few short months from owning the car I've been making payments on for 4yrs and I'm behind. I explained that I was on bed rest and waiting for SSI payments. You would think in this economy they'd rather cut me some slack than repossess my car. I made several phone calls and had worked out a deal that would lower my payments and give until the end of August to make the next payment. I was so relieved and then they called again and said without a payment they couldn't promise my car wouldn't get repossessed before then. What the hell? I demanded a supervisor and explained what I had been told 48hrs earlier. She was all apologies and cut the requested payment in half, but I still don't have it. No matter what some people think, I am about to have a baby I have to be able to get around while Michael's working. I am not physically capable of schlepping two kids on and off the bus and hiking from bus stops. Beyond that we're talking about the last piece of my life before. It’s my first car and I got it with no help and paid on it for 4yrs I can't handle the idea of loosing it. What more can I do from bed?
How much of me will it have cost in the end? I believe in my baby, she's strong. I don't want to be a weak, broken emotional disaster when she comes into the world. I want to go somewhere, talk to someone, fix things, prepare and I can't even go into the kitchen. Please don't misunderstand, I know it will be ok. It has to be, but I've always done everything myself and to be completely dependent on others is a very sole crushing feeling.
Maybe the answers will all be clear tomorrow, but for today it's all questions.
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