Security/Insecurity

I wish I could say that I planned carefully for this baby built up some savings, some maternity leave and found a bigger house. Not how it happened. To sum up a very LONG story. I left my apartment and job with benefits to move in with Michael. I was unable to find steady work for months and by the time I did was pregnant. We all know about that, firing me two weeks shy of finishing my first trimester.
So, what now? I'm supposed to have faith that someone else will support me. It's hard depending on the someone I think. Especially when that someone plays by their own rules, drags their feet and refuses to change course until an actual crisis has occurred (if then)
When I was born my parents had been married over a year, my dad owned his home and both my parents where working full time. I always thought that's the way it would be. I never thought I'd be unemployed, renting a house that's too small and living with someone with very unsteady income as well as raising a 6yr old.
Marriage isn't important to me in relation to having the baby, but I did believe I would at least have an engagement ring by now. Not that that would change anything. I was also hoping to move into a bigger place by the end of summer, which can't happen. So we make due, swap rooms and hope it's temporary. I think the disappointment and sense of insecurity is worse for me because I never wanted this life. I never thought I would be a wife and mother, but I was sure if I was it would be on my terms.
Maybe I'm being tested so that I understand how little it takes for me to be a good parent. Maybe Michael will get the job of a lifetime and all will be right with the world in a few months. Maybe I'll be the breadwinner soon. Maybe we won't make it through this and I'll face the world as a single parent. Maybe the stress will lead to heart attacks on one or both our parts and our family will be left to care for our children. And so on and so forth into eternity...
The uncertainty makes every breath the carrier of doubt and fear. I love Michael and Isaac and I hope every day that we've made the right choices and that the solution is waiting to be discovered. I always wanted more. I wouldn't have ventured 2,000 miles from home for college, lived in several strange cities, etc if the status quo appealed to me. I thought I was making sacrifices to ensure ending up with more. Maybe I will, hard to say as patience has never been my strong suit.
Oh, baby I hope you come home to the home you deserve. I'm waiting for you and I can't wait to meet you. I hope we're ready.