Riley's Home

Riley was born 5lbs 6oz, but lost quite a bit of weight her first few days. It started going up again recently. Since they're only keeping her to make sure she's eating and growing we were hoping to get her home today, but at rounds yesterday her Neonatologist was concerned about releasing her on a Friday because the pediatrician isn't in the office on weekends.
She did so well they released her today after all! What a relief...She's 5lbs 2oz and amazing. Now for the next part of the adventure...

Labor and Delivery

It was Sunday 9/6, my contractions started at 11:15am. They were 10min apart to start. I chugged water which had always stop contractions and soon they were 5min apart, by 2:00 they were 2 min apart and strong. When we got to L&D they gave me IV fluids to stop them and said I was still "only a fingertip" dilated. My OB was down the hall so she stopped in right away and said she may have to do a Magnesium Salifate IV, but wanted to hold off for a bit. They kept giving me Procardia (my regular anticontraction  medicine), 3 doses on top of what I'd already had. By 4:30 the OB said it was clear the labor was not stopping and we were going to have a baby today.
I had to get in line behind the other 34wk mom delivering down the hall so the NICU team would be ready and then the OB ran to another hospital to deliver a baby. It was about 6:30 when they started prepping me for surgery. Riley Grey was born at 7:26pm she was 5lbs 6oz. She came out screaming! I knew she would.
She had no respiratory issues. I knew she wouldn't. They had a feeding tube in for the first few days to make sure she got enough food, but as the neonatologists put it I've been "aggressively breastfeeding." She's doing well her weight finally went up 5g yesterday and so did her bilirubin so she's on the biliblanket now. Her numbers are all really good though they're just being over cautious. If everything keeps going as well as it has been she'll be home by the weekend.

The Last Belly Pictures

Baby, why aren't you growing?

I went for my weekly appointment this afternoon. I gained 2lbs since last week, had no contractions to report and have not dilated any further, all good. The catch is that after having 32 weeks of the baby's growth being right on target she's suddenly "a little small." The doctor ordered an ultrasound for tomorrow afternoon to get a weight and make sure there isn't anything dangerous restricting growth all the sudden. Her heart rate is still good, but if she quite literally ran out of room to grow it could be a big problem for us both. I know that kind of thing happens to dwarf mothers sometimes and I'm only an inch or two taller than that. It may be nothing, but if there is anything limiting growth at this critical stage or the slow down in growth is a danger to either of us she'll have to come out. Fingers crossed. Again, every time I comfort myself with something (ex: at least I'm not on bed rest, at least I haven't dilated or at least the baby's growing right on target) it happens. I'll update you guys after my appointment. By the way, tomorrow is 33 weeks, another reason to hope for good news.

The Belly is Expanding

Why Mike is My Hero

Everyone was cool with sandwiches for dinner last night except me. I mean I didn't pitch a fit or anything. I would've eaten one (I don't have any trouble eating lately). But I wanted tacos. So, Mike went to the store and got the ingredients we didn't have without a word of complaint. He made fresh guacamole from scratch for starters. They were amazing tacos. I enjoyed them thoroughly last night and again for lunch today. I told Mike if his babies are as good as his tacos we're all set

Belly Controversy

Are You Kidding Me?!?

This is an article about a newspaper editor who got in trouble for publishing a photo of a woman showing her friend her pregnant belly. As you can see from the article it's a black and white photo of two fully clothed smiling women and one is revealing her belly, that’s it. I don't get it. What is it that inflames people about a pregnant belly? I think they are amazing, but even if you feel indifferent it's hard to understand someone being offended. It's a natural process and the physical manifestation of it is aesthetically pleasing so what's the problem?
I understand in times past a pregnant woman showing her belly was unheard of, but there was also times when showing ankle was "immodest." Times move forward. Here’s the magazine cover reffered to in the article: Vainity Fair Cover Mentioned in Article Again, I'm perplexed by the controversy here as well. I understand that she's naked, but her breasts aren't exposed. Here again I think it's very pretty picture of a beautiful pregnant woman and I can't imagine being offended by it.
Maybe it's because of my recent experience with this. I posted a few pictures from my maternity shoot. None of them were completely nude and any that were topless I was covered by my arm, hands or hair. Not unlike Demi's picture except I'm wearing pants in all of them. I posted my pictures in a private album on MySpace and Facebook. This inadvertently offended someone who decided the appropriate course of action was to report an image to MySpace as offensive. Here's my issue, if you don't want to see it you're more than welcome not to look. If you must look and find yourself upset with an image why not tell me so I can decide to crop it or delete it or offer some kind of solution?
It leaves me wondering if people were actually offended or just expressing their negative feelings about something else. Maybe looking at these bellies on radiant confident women inflames a woman who felt uncomfortable with her pregnant body. There’s no way to control the feelings of others. It makes sense that they may choose to be resentful rather then enjoy the pictures for pure aesthetic value and move on. These pictures are not pornographic they are artistic. I don’t think any of these women were "showing off”, “being immodest" or even being narcissistic. Speaking for myself, I was just sharing a moment in time with my friends and family the same way I would share pictures of the baby once she's born. Maybe people are just too sheltered now (although I can't imagine how with access to the internet and cable). I personally grew up going to art museums and seeing paintings of chubby naked women as masterpieces not smut. What makes a painting of a long dead pregnant woman in the nude art and a photograph of an exposed pregnant belly offensive?

Propaganda

So, I get newsletters and occasional ads from some of the baby sites I visit. This particular gem is from "What to Expect When You're Expecting." What a load of crap! I can't imagine someone bringing this to their doctor and not getting laughed at. First of all no one dies from adhesions after a c-section (or most other modern surgical procedures) and second whatever needs to be done is your doctor's responsibility. These jerks are preying on paranoid pregnant women. Like there isn't enough worth worrying about and besides it's not nice to mess with the hormonal.

If you can't read this email, click here.   Help prevent the risk of internal C-section scarring with Seprafilm® Whether or not you're planning on a C-section, it's important to know about internal scarring, and the complications it can cause. What is internal scarring? After C-section surgery, internal scar tissue called adhesions may develop that can cause internal organs and/or tissues to stick together. This can be more of a health issue than a visible scar on the outside of your body, because adhesions can be painful and debilitating. These internal scars may also cause infertility and complications with future C-sections and other surgeries. Seprafilm reduces the risk that you'll develop internal scar tissues after your C-section surgery. Learn more, and get your FREE C-section Information Kit today.   Get your FREE C-section Information Kit   Important Safety Information Seprafilm® Adhesion Barrier is used to reduce internal scarring (adhesions) after surgery in the abdomen or pelvis. Side effects are consistent with those typically seen following surgery when used as directed. Seprafilm should not be wrapped around a reconnected bowel as this may lead to increased side effects. Please see the Seprafilm Package Insert (PDF) for full product information and talk to your doctor.

Copyright © 2009 Waterfront Media, Inc., all rights reserved. We sent you this offer because you're a valued subscriber to one of our newsletters. If you no longer wish to have these exclusive offers e-mailed to you, click here. To add to, remove, or change the newsletters you receive from us, click here. Use of Waterfront Media sites is subject to our terms of service and privacy policy. Mailing address: 4 Marshall Street, North Adams, MA 01247

My Weekly Appointment

I went to the doctor this morning. She said "alright you made it through the weekend without having a baby, good job." We talked about the handful of contractions I'd experienced since I saw her, the cramping and pressure. Nothing too terrible. I asked if I was still going to be released from bed rest at 34wks if there were no major incidents and she said yes. Then I asked if I could go off the meds at that point and she said not until 36wks. Pretty exciting since I'll be 32wks tomorrow which means 2 weeks until bed rest is over (fingers crossed) and 4 weeks until no more anti-contraction meds. Woo-hoo. Baby is still growing right on target and has a nice strong heart beat. Even the lady at the front desk said "look at you, still pregnant." I think it's funny how excited they are for me to have made it couple more days, believe me I am too.

A Completely Inverse Weight Problem

So, an ex-boyfriend once described my inability to gain or keep on weight as "a completely inverse weight problem." I have always been small and never registered on the pediatricians’ growth chart, but I was always told I was the right height for my weight. Proportionate. I won't tell you how much I weighed when I got pregnant, but I will tell you I'd been the same weight for about 10yrs at that point.
My pregnancy books and a midwife had told me a pound a week was the goal during the first trimester. Well, given my morning sickness and fatigue what sounded completely reasonable was quite impossible. I figured I'd make up for it eventually (or at least I hoped so). The doctor never said a word about it until my second trimester started and with the sudden relief of morning sickness I mysteriously started losing weight. I was mystified until the doctor deduced that my activity level was canceling out my calorie intake. Oops, forgot about that high metabolism. I was burning off those 5 meals a day.
Well, things slowed down quite a bit when the contractions hit because that lead the way for pelvic rest and eventually bed rest. I was now eating all day and not moving around at all. Voila! I have gained steady weight recently and since the start of my pregnancy I'm up 20lbs.
Now, even I worry about losing the pregnancy weight once the baby comes. Partly out of vanity, but it also reeks havoc on my joints and balance. It was one of the motivating factors for doing maternity yoga (second to pain control). Well, I read in my pregnancy book the other day that you burn 500-650 calories a day breast feeding. Great, I'll have a newborn and be exhausted and not eating as much as I'm burning and drop the weight too fast or drop so much weight milk production stops. I know it sounds like a wonderful problem to have, but it's gotta be similar (albeit more socially acceptable)to being overweight. Both situations can cause health problems. Anyway, not one to be caught unprepared I've been doing research and added the question to my list to ask the doctor tomorrow. I think the best solution I've heard so far is to eat every time you breast feed or pump to replace some calories. I'm open though, if anybody has suggestions let me know.

Babysitters

So, Mike and I had a discussion not long ago about the fact that we don't get out much datewise. He says having Isaac as young as he did he had to accept a long time ago that he wouldn't get out much. He says asking for babysittting is not something he's comfortable doing on a regular basis. I think he feels it's an imposition on his family after all he said "I don't have a Katie in my neighborhood."
For those of you who didn't know me then I was the girl to call for babysitting in my middle and high school years. I got certified with the Red Cross in babysitting and first aid when I was 12 and then I hit the ground running. I advertised in my mom's pediatric office, but mostly I watched the neighborhood kids, all of them. I babysat 5-7days a week sometimes twice a day. From newborns to 10yrs olds, only children and families with 6 children I sat them. I used to bring craft projects to entertain them and always left the house cleaner than I found it. Word spread quickly and I remember on nights like New Years Eve corralling 4 or 5 neighborhood kids at one house for the night. I loved it. There were even kids who cried when they woke up in the morning and I was gone.
I was talking to someone whose kids I used to watch and she said "you can't have a baby, you're the babysitter." Funny, I had that exact thought at some point. I'm hoping all that good babysitting karma will come back to me, now that I'm in need. Whether Michael came to grips with having no social life 7yrs ago or not, I have made no such concession (although, I have made many others). I realize they’ll be no leaving the house without at least one kid for a while, but I am unwilling to never go out without them. If I'm going to stay sane and our relationship is going to make it there have to be nights off.

Possibilities

Worst Case Scenario

I picture the worst case scenario going something like this: I go into labor, but I'm not sure that's what it is because the anti-contraction meds are masking the frequency of my contractions. Hours of dilation go by before there is some clear sign of labor. It's of course after business hours or a weekend so I have to leave a message with the doctor's answering service. Thanks to Michael's habit of not filling gas tanks we'll have to swing by a gas station the way to the hospital. By the time we get there I've been feeling the contractions for awhile and I'll be exhausted. The labor and delivery nurse will have three people at least ahead of me and when she examines me will tell me I'm in the late stages of labor at this point. They’ll rush me into surgery. Michael has to wait outside and because of the urgent situation they have to put me out completely.

Best Case

I go in for one of my weekly doctor's appointments and complain I feel a bit off. She examines me and cheerfully exclaims "it looks like today's the day." We go over to the hospital with enough time to start the epidural. Michael is allowed to hold my hand in the operating room and I am awake to see my daughter's arrival into the world.
My thoughts are that it won't happen on my terms no matter how many likely scenarios I prepare for mentally. But establishing the beginning and end of the range of realistic possibilities gives me a better idea of everything in between. Excuse me I'm going to start making my list of things to pack for the hospital now (I figure it'll be less likely to happen when I'm ready).

What The Doctor Said

I went for my appt at 9am. In general I seem to have a firm grip on what the reality of the situation is until it's time to go to the doctor at which point I have denial and memory loss. I knew the weekend of horrible pressure was a bad sign, even if my water hadn't broken, but I was feeling so much better since Sunday. I've been told since the beginning I was "high risk for preterm labor." I've been on bedrest for over a month with contractions even on the meds and the baby's head down and low since my last appt. So, what did I expect? I don't know, honestly. Maybe just that it was better than I thought or in a fantasy world that everything was great.
Well, after checking me out my OB said I've had "significant cervical changes" and she wants to see me once a week from now on. So, I pretty much went straight from once a month appointments to once a week. I never get to do anything the normal way. She says she can feel the baby's head and between the two I'll never make it to 39weeks. Unfortunately, she simply can't schedule a c-section any earlier than 39 weeks so as a formality it's set for Thursday October 8th. This means there’s almost no shot at a nice calm scheduled c-section. They have to wait for me to go into labor first. Sigh. I wonder why this little girl is in such a hurry. You have to be careful how you reassure yourself because it makes things that were comforting seem far worse than they really are when they happen. For example,” at least I haven't dilated” was a big comfort and then I did. It's really not so bad. At least I'm still home and not riding it out in the hospital. I was so hoping I'd get through August, but the doctor didn't seem optimistic about that at all.
On the plus side I do not have gestational diabetes.

Maternity Underwear (Male readers feel free to skip this one)

So, I tend to talk alot about the challenges of being pregnant and I thought it was time to say a few words about the rewards. There's feeling the baby move which is amazing, "the glow", having a great excuse to shop and decorate a room, the bond you suddenly feel to other women, being able to have cravings met more readily than ever before and the expansion of your bust line. Those are all great, but I think the biggest perk or shall we say trade off is no period for 9months.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was trying to make a list of positive things about pregnancy and that was the only thing on my list. Amenorrhea (absence of a menstrual period in a woman of reproductive age) has some obvious perks. I put away all that monthly paraphernalia that had been part of my existence and the contents of my purse since I was 13 with a sigh of relief. No more watching the weeks and planning my social life around my menstrual cycle. This, I thought, will be a long vacation.
Apparently, my mother's generation (or maybe just my mother herself) doesn't really have extensive underwear collections. I can tell you that I along with most of my friends have hundreds or pairs, much to our significant others' delight. I'm not talking fancy lingerie just your everyday stuff (although some of it is very pretty). I thought how amazing it would be to wear whichever pair I wanted without having to switch to granny panties for a week every month and was filled with glee. I didn't count on how quickly my expanding uterus would mean I could no longer comfortably wear any of the underwear I owned. I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and by 11 weeks I needed new underwear.
The thought of going to Target and getting a $5 pack of white cotton granny panties was a miserable one for me. What is the point of having almost a year off from periods if you can't wear cute underwear? Maybe this is silly to some people, but I've always felt happier and more confident when I am wearing cute underwear. Plus all those pairs I already owned sitting idly by with an ever growing mound of my clothing was depressing and I think a lot of women are cheered up by cute new underwear. So instead of being responsible (which I was perfectly willing to do for maternity clothes) I went to Motherhood and got maternity bikini cut, hipsters and boy short maternity underwear. I am so glad I did. I wasn’t brave enough for maternity thongs although they’re apparently very popular. I still miss my pre-pregnancy stuff, but it's easier to cope with an expanding waistline and stretch marks on your ass with cute underwear (even if no one knows they're there, but me).

Pain & Pregnancy

In light of my LONG weekend and all the recent rainy weather I was thinking about my current pain level. You see, on any given day since the bus hit me my senior year of college I am constantly operating with a certain level of pain to contend with. It becomes white noise to me most of the time, but can range all the way to intolerable pain that makes it difficult to breathe depending on my activity level and the weather. For those of you lucky enough not to know, once a joint suffers a trauma it will forever after respond to damp or cold weather to some degree. This simple fact is a large part of why I left New York and moved to California. Basically I've got the cerebral palsy related stuff: bad balance, spasticity, tight muscles, swelling and pain with over use and on top of that the bus injury. In my senior year at BU a big yellow school bus turned onto Commonwealth Avenue and into me in the crosswalk. I took pretty much all the impact of that in my left hip. Now, back to the CP for a second my left hip never sat perfectly in the socket so this made it a particularly bad target for that kind of injury. Since the bus I have chronic bursitis (swelling of the bursa-the fluid filled sack that allows muscle to slid over bone) and my hip will occasionally pop right out of the socket (subluxation). I also twisted my back pretty good in the fall and have more inflammation and swelling than I had before. Got all that? I know you all wish you were me right about now.
Now let's add pregnancy to the mix. Aside from immediate stomach upset and crippling fatigue one of the first symptoms I had was horrible dizziness. Now add the dizziness to the bad balance and what do you think happened? You got it, I took a considerable spill in the shower just a few days to a week after I conceived. Also, when I get dizzy and fall I'm falling on inflamed joints and tissues. Fun stuff. Your body also releases special hormones to relax your tendons and open up your joints to prepare for an expanding uterus and eventual labor. Obviously, my hip joints didn't take very kindly to this at all. Besides the intermittent pain this process caused my hip just kept popping out of the socket. Rather annoying especially because it never did it in response to activity just when I was sitting quietly relaxing. I'd feel a pop and then burning and when I tried to stand up I wouldn't be able to bear weight. All of those interactions happened before any significant weight gain. After I started gaining weight my balance issues increased, the daily back pain levels increased and I started having swelling. The swelling was not in my hands and feet like it is for most pregnant women it was in my hip and knees. I also suspect, but don't know for sue that my spasticity has an effect on my contractions (how intensely I feel them and how long they persist). Now, toss in some summer Florida weather, rain, and the fact that I am not allowed to take anti-inflammatories (Advil, Alieve, etc), use an electric heating pad, have muscle relaxers or even go to yoga anymore and now you have an idea why I didn't want to carry a baby. It's a really good thing I'm tough. I know it'll be worth it in the end, but some days are more intolerable than others.

It Finally Happened

Recently, my mom pointed out my very first (and fingers crossed my last) stretch mark! Such a bummer. Well, I would just like to say no one told me to watch out for stretch marks on other places besides the belly and boobs. So, the unplseant surprise stretch mark on my butt was a complete shock. You heard it here ladies they pop up anywhere thighs, butt, belly, boobs...So, even coco buttering yourself head to toe and not gaining large amounts of weight does not pervent it. I can't freaking believe it.

Back to the Hospital

So, I had kind of a rough weekend. Friday I went to breakfast with my mom and I started feeling alot of pressure. We rushed home and I got in bed with my feet up. The pressure was intense and I could feel the baby really low. I wasn't having contractions, but that may have been the meds. I checked in with the OB Friday evening and all through Saturday it seemed to be getting better. This morning I woke up feeling great, but soon I had reason to believe my water had broken. So, with a quick call to Mom who was out of townfor the weekend and one to my OB I was heading back to the hospital.
The nurses’ exact words were "well, it sounds like your water broke." As soon as we arrived I started having contractions. They weren't very close together, but painful none the less. After an hour wait and two trips to the bathroom I finally got examined. They did all the usual tests and the litmus test did not show any amniotic fluid. My OB was just down the hall so she stopped by and did her own exam. She was worried I had a bacterial infection, but told me as long as the fFN came back negative and the ultrasound showed good amniotic fluid levels I could go home. Everything came back ok, so I'm back home continuing bed rest and anticontraction medicine. I follow-up with the OB next week.
It was a LONG day after a LONG weekend. I was pleading with the baby not to come in August. Even when it seemed clear I wasn't in labor there was still a chance I'd get admitted. I really, really hope I don't have to go there until at least September. So, I had to get a Big Mac value meal and Oreo McFlurry on the way home and now everything is a little better.

Pediatrician Interview

So, I got the okay from the OB to escape bed rest for a bit to go to my previously scheduled pediatrician interview. My mother has been a pediatric nurse for 20+yrs so I called her for referrals (she moved out of state almost 2yrs ago). She had a couple suggestions. She reminded me of a resident I met in her office while I was in high school that has had his own practice for 14yrs at this point, Dr. Salomon. How old am I? Anyway, when I called around to make the interview appt alot of offices were impossible to get through to and got crossed right off the list.
From the first phone call I was impressed. I got right through to a friendly, efficient and polite woman and was given a 15min appt to meet the doctor. When I got there I was greeted warmly given some cards so I had all the info and given directions to the ladies room just in case (that's how to take of pregnancy ladies).
Dr. Salomon was friendly and warm. He is the only doctor in the practice with a staff of 5 so everyone knows all the patients. No double booking, no walk ins, separate waiting area for newborns, doctor on call all weekend, phone questions answered within 30min. Dr. Salomon has 3 beautiful kids of his own. He talked to us for over an hour even though it was only supposed to be 15min. I really appreciate him talking the time to answer all of my questions thoroughly.

So, hurray the baby has a doctor!

Other People's Baby's are Amazing

So, I've always liked babies, who doesn't? In the beginning of my pregnancy I wasn't exactly repulsed by them or anything, but definitely apathetic. I think the turning point came when I started thinking of my baby less in terms of a stomach flu and more as a human being. Some time late in my 2nd trimester I suddenly couldn't get enough of other people's babies. I don't just visit with them and dote on them like I would have before I existed in a complete state of awe of them. They are amazing little miracles. I love them all in some small way that makes me wonder how overwhelming the flood of emotion will be when my own arrives.

Ivy, my cousin's daughters, and I a few years before my pregnancy


Mya, another cousin's daughter, and I a few months before I got pregnant

Corbin, my friends' son, and I at the beginning of my 7th month of pregnancy


Millianna and I, another friend's daughter. (7months pregnant)

Big Brother Moment

Last night my mother, Isaac and I were all haning out in my bedroom and my mom asked Isaac if he ever talked to the baby and here's what happened:

Isaac: "Hi, baby. I'm going to be your brother and you're going to be a sister. We're going to name you Pip. When you grow up a little bit I will teach you how to play with contructs."

Crib Bedding

     
So, I think that the crib looks great now that the bedding's finished. I love how happy and bright the fabric I picked for the bumpers is. Hurray! Too bad she won't sleep there for a while. Michael wants to go look at some flooring options tomorrow. We're so close to being able to fill in the nursery finished date in the baby book. It just keeps getting closer. I have a feeling she's more likely to be a virgo than a libra at this point, but we'll see.

It Was Like Christmas, Only Dustier

So, Mike had been telling me that he had saved some of Isaac's baby things and that he would check the attic to see what was up there. Judging by the destroyed stroller in the backyard and some of the cat pee stained baby clothes I had discovered in the laundry room I wasn't too hopeful about there being very much in good condition up there. The only thing he knew for sure he had was Isaac's white metal crib, which we'd already decided we’d send over to my dad's as a back up.  The rest was a mystery, but he thought he might have a baby swing.
A couple days ago he checked and there was the crib, a bouncer chair and a baby swing. The swing was by far the most exciting. For those of you who don't know they no longer make wind-up baby swings they're all battery operated now. All of my friends with babies complain about having to buy a pack of C batteries a week to keep the swings moving. So, aside from needing a cleaning and some new fabric we had our very own functional wind-up swing. Hurray! I was worried we wouldn't have one before the baby came. It had some blue teddy bear fabric and Michael used some great blue fabric with multicolored dragonflies I got from Joanne's to recover it. It looks really cute. I'll post pictures tonight.
The bouncer chair was pretty gross, but we were able to clean it and after some tweeking it was functional. Not long after we got a nicer hand-me-down bouncer chair so the one from the attic is destined for consignment, yay credit.
Michael also finished sewing the crib bumpers using this awesome yellow fabric with pink and purple dragonflies on it I found. They look amazing and we also got some crib sheets with our Target gift cards so the crib bedding is finished. I'll take pictures of that to post for you guys too. Now all that's left in the nursery is the floor and the only big item left is a highchair, but we’ve got time to for that.

Fairy Child

by Katie Calahan

The fairies dance in the light of your eyes and ride the breeze of your gentle sighs
Child of fairies
Baby so new
Blessed and beautiful and beloved are you
To us mortals you’ll be not a moment to soon and yet long overdue
Poet and scholar
Solider and muse
Eyes and hair of heavenly hues
Wonder of wonders
Light beyond the stars
My every wish I never knew I was wishing
Some celestial secret prayer
The softest and sweetest eternal part of me
Sharer of my body and soul for moments unmatched
Sparkling, shimmering love of my life

Jail Break

I escaped twice this week. I went to the park and laid on a blanket for a bit just to be outside, which was amazing except for the bugs. My big exciting outing was on Saturday night I went for my maternity photo session. I was so excited.

I put an ad on Craigslist about a month ago looking for a photographer to take some maternity photos in exchange for being able to use the photos for their portfolio/advertising, etc. I had a lot of responses from male photographers whose entire portfolios were composed of half naked porn women. Why someone like that was interested in branching out into maternity photography is beyond me. Eventually I had a response from a woman in Largo who had up until that point been doing pet photography and wanted to start doing maternity and newborn photos. She was happy to take my photos in exchange for having the right to use them on her site and promotional material. After having shown Michael some of the portfolios with half naked girls in the jungle, etc I asked him at some point to mark the calendar for Saturday the 1st at 7pm. I told him to just write “Mat. Photos”. He misunderstood and asked “Are you sure you want some guy named Matt taking these?” I thought that was so funny! “No honey, mat as in short for maternity.”She wasn't what I expected, but I think she had the same feeling about me. I did send her my picture and describe my tiny build to her in an email so she'd know what she was getting herself into. One of her first comments was "Boy you are tiny. How can we make you look bigger?" She was a very petite blonde herself and at one point remarked "I've never seen anyone my size pregnant before." We met at a park and got some great last light of the day shots. Not to worry I took the wheelchair and didn't walk a single step. Michael played photographers’ assistant and held the reflector most of the time we were at the park, but he did join me in a couple shots too.

When we started really losing the light and the humidity was too much we headed to her nearby air conditioned studio. That part was really fun too. We did some lying on my side, some with a message on my belly and a couple with Mike holding my belly. She was good, but definitely new to working with people. Mike was watching and interjecting "move your hair out of your face" or "unfurrow your brow", etc which not only didn't seem to annoy her but actually emboldened her a bit.

She'll be editing for a few days, but I should be able to see them midweek. She's going to send me a cd of all the images and a postcard featuring my photo (one of the ones where I'm wearing a shirt I've been assured) to give to my pregnant friends. I'm so grateful I got to do it. I wanted something special to remember my one and only pregnancy and besides the bedrest limitations I was really nervous I wouldn't make it this far in my pregnancy or have the means to make it happen (those sessions range from $300-600). Hurray, resourcefulness! Hurray, having my picture taken! Hurray for my big old belly!

Also, I was just looking at one of my countdowns today and the baby will be here in 60 days at the most! Can you believe it? It's almost over. Talk about mixed emotions.

Rebecca Brittain Photography

Jamie Gress Photography

Naming a Person

We started talking about names of potential future kids early on in our relationship the way you do when you're young and with someone new. We had decided early on if we had a little girl she'd be Serenity Wysteria. The moment I got pregnant I lost all love for that name. I chalk it up to an instinct that this baby just wouldn't be suited to it.
So, it was back to square one with girl names which I figured would be fun because there are so many options. We switched gears and discussed boy names at that point and Megatron Batman was our favorite to joke about, but never actually a practical option. We liked Simon Oliver, but I hit on Maverick and that was that. We were completely sold. I used to drive home from work picturing my little Maverick and I could see him so clearly. I think I was in love with him even then. I liked the name because it's different and sounds strong, but most importantly because it means "fiercely independent." It came to mean that because there was a cattle rancher with that surname who refused to brand his cattle. Cool stuff. With that decided it was back to girl names...
I threw out hundreds of ideas which were dismissed out of hand like Gracie or Lucy. Michael had negative associations with or just found most of my ideas ugly. I remembered that once I had looked up the meaning of my sister's name, Jessie, and found an alternative suggestion was the name Jessalyn. I always thought that was beautiful and very feminine. It still means "gift from god or woman of wealth" depending on whether you go with Greek or Latin. Mike liked it too and from our mutual love of Greek Mythology we decided Eris, the goddess of discord, would make a beautiful middle name for Jessalyn. I can just imagine our beautiful sneaky little Jessalyn Eris. It was great, but maybe not the one. I had been talking about my little fairy baby and Mike found the name Aerilyn which means "beautiful air" and sounded like a consort of Maab, queen of the fairies, to me. Middle names were tricky on that one Eris certainly wouldn't do. We then discovered that Sapphire not only refers to the blue gem stone, but also means "of Saturn" the Greek god of earth. So she would be beautiful air belonging to the earth. I just worry that people would forever say you mean Carolyn or Marilyn? So, one day I happened to mention my friend had a daughter named Riley and to my great surprise Mike said "I like that." So I looked it up and Riley very literally means "a clearing in the rye", but also means "courageous woman." Now I loved it, but again Eris wasn't the best choice for middle name and I came across another friend with a child named Grey and thought Riley Grey was really nice. I like what we had so far, but kept searching and it turns out we both like Violet and thought maybe Violet Eris or Violet Wyllow would be pretty.
Family and friends are pretty evenly divided between Riley and Jessalyn for the most part and I have some minor issues with both. I don't mind my daughter's name being similar to my sister's but don't really want anyone to think that's why I picked it. Also Jessalyn is so unique and pretty and everyone would call her Jess or Jessie. The issue with Riley is it becoming more and more common. So, the other night Mike suggested Rylyn, which I love because it's a compromise between the two. Pretty and different and not so likely to be shortened. There was just one problem there Rylyn doesn't go with our last name at all. No good. Bummer.
Also adding to the problem of committing is that Mike insists we see her first and then decide. He claims that's what they did with Isaac. Well, it makes me nervous that we'll see her and still won't know. Our friend said when her son was born they had narrowed it down to a few names and none of them seemed right. They decided to take him home and think about it. The nurse however would not let them leave without a name on the birth certificate. They didn't know what to do and while they were thinking about it her husband pointed out that he had a crooked nose. So, Cameron had a name, Cameron means crooked nose. It really does suit him. It's such a great story.
The other thing I don't like about waiting is I don't know what to call her. She, her, baby, little one, pumpkin all work, but I want her to have an identity. It just seems so important to make sure it's the right name that suits her personality, has a good meaning and looks and sounds good. Hopefully we'll find "the one" soon.

Going Home Outfit

My yet unnamed little pumpkin probably won't actually be an October baby, but it will still be fall so I wanted something festive to bring her home in. Here's what I picked, the ruffles are on the butt side I just turned it around so you could see them.


Isn't it cute?

29 Week Appointment

So, I had to fast after midnight last night. That's right 7 months pregnant and no breakfast. I had 5 minutes to drink a large cup of what tasted like very flat orange soda and then in an hour later they would draw my blood to see if my body was breaking down sugar correctly. Yippee!
Most of the hour was taken up by my exam. We discussed the contractions I'd had while on the anti-contractions meds. The OB double checked my cervix and told me the baby's head was really low. I guess she's already assuming the position. My meds stay the same which is a bummer, but I was most afraid of an increased dose. Also, bed rest continues at least until 34wks (that's 5wks from now), but there is a good chance I'll stay on it until I deliver. She did give me the okay for short trips out of the house under very specific circumstances so that's something.

Today was also the day for signing the consent for my tubal ligation. Apparently they're required to try and talk you out of it if you’re under 30 especially if this is your first baby. 25-28yr olds have a high rate of tubal regret. However, I'd done my research and considered my options so I listened to her speech and signed the form with no hesitation. It's a real relief to have that done. The other thing I was hoping would happen was that I'd get my c-section date, but that we have to wait 2 weeks. So, there's that to look forward to.
After the exam I had 30min to kill before they could draw my blood to complete the gestational diabetes test. I was incredibly nauseous at that point and worried I was going to loose it in the last 5min and have to repeat the test. I made it though, just barely. After the blood draw I was too dizzy to stand and the hot nauseous feeling over took me. I guess that's why they say not to give blood on an empty stomach. I thought ahead enough to bring snacks for as soon as the test was over so I popped some crackers and breathed a sigh of relief. It'll be two weeks until I hear the results.

Old Wives Tales

I'm not very superstitious, but I love hearing the root of all those silly age old beliefs. When it comes to babies and their gender there's a ton of them.
For example, they used to believe that one ovary released male eggs and the other released female ones so you should lay on your left to conceive a girl. Funny when you consider the age old beliefs about good and evil as they relate to left and right. Even in relatively modern times there are theatres where the hero always enters stage right and the villain stage left. Apparently, the Latin word for left is the same as the word for unlucky. The poor, fairer sex I guess. They also say that if you put a wooden spoon under the bed you'll conceive a girl. Not sure where that gets its roots perhaps it's something to do with the feminine traditionally being connected to the domestic. They also say putting a pink ribbon under your pillow will do the trick. I think it’s just a physical symbol of your wish.
Once the baby has been conceived there are supposed to be tell tale signs you're carrying a girl. The idea that you carry low for a boy and high for a girl or that girl babies rob their mothers of their beauty are some of the sillier ones I've heard. Obviously, how the baby sits has everything to do with the baby's size, how your uterus sits to begin with and your body type. There's also the massively popular belief that girls heart rates are above 140 and boys are below. Nothing to that one, babies' heart rates are as individual and effected by various stimuli as adults are. A baby girl's heart rate is usually faster than a boy's, but only after the onset of labor. They also say women carrying boys crave salty foods and women carrying girls crave sweets. This one makes me think of the nursery rhyme "sugar and spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of." The truth is a pregnant woman's appetite and cravings are very changeable and no basis for gender guessing.
Now there are some they may have a basis in fact. Like the idea that women carrying girls have a worse time with morning sickness. While hormone regulation is very unique thing from woman to woman there is some truth to the idea that all the excess estrogen makes you extra queasy. I found that one to be pretty apt. There's also the idea that if you're carrying a girl your partner will gain weight with you. Now, Mike started putting it on long before I got pregnant, but he had a significant increase in appetite during the beginning of my pregnancy. Estrogen again, apparently it's released somehow and according to some pregnant ladies causes their husbands to experience pregnancy symptoms. It's also possible it's just new daddy stress.

A Much Needed Bed Rest Vent

I am not going to spend a paragraph apologizing for my feelings, that's all they are my very valid emotional response to a difficult situation. I am not mad at anyone or trying to solicit sympathy. I need to write it out and hopefully let go of some of it and maybe someone will find themselves here and take comfort in remembering that someone else felt this way.

I was doing pretty well with being confined to bed for a while, but at some point after the baby shower I realized that although I could make a list of baby stuff left to get I couldn't go spend the gift cards to get those items. That was the first moment leaving the house seemed so important and I wished, as prepared as I was, that I'd done more sooner. I mean, am I supposed to just send Michael to Target with a list and hope he doesn't get frustrated and give up on his least favorite task? Especially when it was something I was so looking forward to. I have no answer.

The list of things I was looking forward to goes on and on...free professional maternity photos, my best friend's wedding and bridal shower, the tour of the maternity ward, taking Isaac to his first day of first grade, a trip somewhere with just Michael and I before the baby (or even an evening or two to ourselves), The Time Traveler's Wife coming to theaters, and paying off my car. It's overwhelmingly depressing. Michael keeps pointing out the once or twice I got up and did the dishes, etc and then had contractions later. Where I agree the physical labor of housework was a mistake how can sitting calmly in the car, enjoying some good company and coming back home to bed so terrible?

This weekend was the worst by far. I was supposed to have a visitor on Saturday. I was really looking forward to it all week and in the end she couldn't make it at the last minute. Ordinarily, I'd reschedule and move on with life, but I couldn't see straight I was so disappointed. It was like all my hope of getting through this with my mind in tact left me. On top of that I waited months for my amazing birthday present of an adult night out to see a play. I can count the number of dates Michael I have been on since we've been together on one hand. I'd been insisting since I got pregnant that we take a trip just the two of us (or get someone to watch Isaac for a night or two) before the baby and it never happened. Now even if we get alone time we can’t really take advantage of it. Bed rest is not very romantic. I know if we can't find time to go out as a couple now and then with a 6yr old it will never happen with a newborn. I knew we'd have obstacles because Michael has Isaac, but I didn't think we'd have so little time alone. I can't imagine the next 18yrs being this way. I was so looking forward to our night out this weekend especially since I haven't done or even seen live theater since I came to Florida. I didn't think the reality of it would hurt so badly. In the end it represented all the things I've given up to be here, all the parts of my life before I miss desperately and all the things about my immediate and distant future that scare me.

On top of everything else I am a few short months from owning the car I've been making payments on for 4yrs and I'm behind. I explained that I was on bed rest and waiting for SSI payments. You would think in this economy they'd rather cut me some slack than repossess my car. I made several phone calls and had worked out a deal that would lower my payments and give until the end of August to make the next payment. I was so relieved and then they called again and said without a payment they couldn't promise my car wouldn't get repossessed before then. What the hell? I demanded a supervisor and explained what I had been told 48hrs earlier. She was all apologies and cut the requested payment in half, but I still don't have it. No matter what some people think, I am about to have a baby I have to be able to get around while Michael's working. I am not physically capable of schlepping two kids on and off the bus and hiking from bus stops. Beyond that we're talking about the last piece of my life before. It’s my first car and I got it with no help and paid on it for 4yrs I can't handle the idea of loosing it. What more can I do from bed?
How much of me will it have cost in the end? I believe in my baby, she's strong. I don't want to be a weak, broken emotional disaster when she comes into the world. I want to go somewhere, talk to someone, fix things, prepare and I can't even go into the kitchen. Please don't misunderstand, I know it will be ok. It has to be, but I've always done everything myself and to be completely dependent on others is a very sole crushing feeling.
Maybe the answers will all be clear tomorrow, but for today it's all questions.

More Than One Way to Say it

There's so many slang terms and phrases for being pregnant I'd thought just for fun I'd explore them.

1.Knocked up-this is probably my least favorite, but totally obvious. Although it does sound, if taken literally, like you've been beaten up when you think about it.
2.Bun in the Oven-oven=womb, easy enough.
3.The rabbit died-this is a rather out-dated one, but very interesting. It has to do with the way they used to test for pregnancy in the time before First Response. In the late 1920's HCG, the pregnancy hormone, was discovered. Doctors would take a urine sample and inject into a rabbit and wait for "results", poor bunnies.
4.In the family way-speaks for itself in a lame pregnancy and sex aren't spoken about 1950's kind of way.
5.Her eggo is peggo-pithy little rhyming quote from the movie "Juno."
6.Up the duff (or in the pudding club)-this is another old one. Apparently duff is a pudding and was at some point slang for semen.
7.With Child-um, duh.
8.Expecting-duh, again
9.Wearing her apron high-sounds like another 50's housewife who's not one to gossip, but...to me
10.Incubating/gestating-very literal
11.Harboring a uterine parasite-a modern idea of "funny"
12.Tin roof rusted-yup, apparently that line from "Love Shack" by the B-52's means pregnant.
13.Eating for two-this one is one of the most fun to say to people when you're on the smaller side.
14.On stork watch-like mother animals in Disney movies!
15.Up the spout-sounds like a take off of "up the duff" to me. Apparently it's a British expression for ruined
16.Trout in the well-they do flop around like fish in there, but I have no further explanation.
17.Preggolicious-a vivid indication that pop culture is retarded.
18.Preggers-popular with the people determined to further the disintegration of the English language. OMG it's easier to text "mom I'm preggers." than type it all out, kwim?
19.Keith Cheggars-this is cockney slang for pregnant. It's based on rhyme (like for those of you who saw Oceans Eleven-"we're in Barney. Rubble. Trouble."). Cheggers rhymes with preggers.
20.Pulling the goalie-it is what it sounds like, to stop using birth control.

Way to go me (and Google) I was hoping to make an even 20! I hope everyone learned a little something or at least had a good laugh, I know I did.

It's A Girl

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but waaaaaaaaaay back in, probably, November Isaac was sitting at the dining room table eating his cereal and out of nowhere he said "Katie has to stay in bed because she's growing a baby." Michael and I were stunned and then Michael asked him if he had a dream and he said "yeah." Then Michael added "was it a girl baby or a boy baby?" and very matter-of-factly Isaac replied "a girl" (in a tone which implied this was common knowledge). Michael grinned ear to ear at this and I replied "don't even think about it." Of course I forgot all about the incident until a few months into my pregnancy and then I started to wonder if he knew something I didn't.

When Michael and I were first exploring the idea of a relationship (and I was trying to wrap my head around him having a child already) I asked if he wanted anymore kids. At that point his answer of "probably not" was met with relief on my end. After we'd been together a while we discussed the remote possibility of someday after we got married maybe having a baby Michael had said "I want us to have a little girl and I want her to look just like you."

We actually had two ultrasounds during the time when you can tell the gender, one at the doctor's office and a private one. The one at the doctor's office was surreal. There she was a real baby not just some tiny gummy bear. A tiny person with fingers and toes. I remember tearing up. All the news was good, she was healthy as expected and surprisingly I was holding up just fine and fibroid free. It was memorable, but nowhere near as exciting and emotionally charged as the second one.
We went to this place in called Ultra Babies. I was so excited I could barely sleep and even though I wanted a girl at this point I was beyond excited just to know. I also figured if it was a boy I already had an awesome name picked out. Michael, no matter what he says, was a ball of nerves. I've NEVER seen him so anxious before. He looked startled and pale as a ghost. When we arrived I was thoroughly impressed with how nice the place was. The waiting room looked like the lobby of a nice hotel. The women who worked there very efficiently checked us in and got us all a beverage. Then we sent Isaac off to the playroom, which he still talks about! We were in the smaller of the two ultrasound rooms and the cozy table and dim lighting made it feel very intimate. I remember her zooming around my belly with the wand and waiting for the baby to come into focus on the screen in front of us. All the sudden there she was moving and kicking like crazy (but I couldn't really feel it yet). After a little while the sonographer zoomed in on the area in question and concentrated for moment. She pointed an arrow on the screen at where we needed to look and then stood up with a huge grin and Vanna White style gestured to the screen. I'm pretty sure Michael and I were holding our breath and then after what felt like hours (in reality it was a few seconds) he asked "what is it?" and sonographer said “what does it look like?" He replied “is it…” to which she answered “a girl!" At that moment all the air returned to my lungs and Michael asked "how sure are you? Like as far percentage?" to which she laughed and said "110%"

It was wonderful. We had our girl. I was so excited I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. My face started to ache from smiling. Michael and I held hands and stared at her for a bit. On the way home I insisted on ice cream, but as it was a Sunday afternoon nowhere was open. We went to Publix and got pink ice cream, cherry chocolate chip. We went home and quickly celebrated over pink ice cream with our last big secret of the pregnancy.

Out of Control

So, I've never been able to trust my body to do what it's supposed to/what I want it to at any given point. I knew that pregnancy would be no different. In fact, I spent most of my life thinking that I would never experience it. I've always loved kids and am naturally maternal, but you don't have to bear children to be a mother. In fact, it wasn't very long ago that, after a year of biopsies. and an unsuccessful LEEP procedure, I was begging for a hysterectomy! I was sure I would never need my uterus and it certainly wasn't worth the grief it was causing. Alas, in your twenties no matter what you say (unless you're going to die in the next 10min) they just don't do that. When I called that same doctor to see if she would treat me during this pregnancy I fully expected an "I told you so."
I knew it would be a hard road, but there was no way to know exactly what to expect. The beginning was awful, but it had everything to do with the overnight shift I was working and my long standing sensitivity to hormone fluctuations. In fact, most women I know that are on the tiny side had rough first trimesters. I think our bodies don't absorb all those hormones as well. Even the severe morning sickness was pretty "normal". In my first trimester, the only issue caused by disability’s interaction with the pregnancy was that my bad hip kept popping out of the socket.
Between the fact that things had been pretty "normal" and I was feeling so much better by the second trimester I felt confident I wouldn’t experience any major complications until delivery. Wrong. I thought I'd have another month before my mobility was limited due to the extra weight on my bad joints and my poor balance. What I had was a couple days until contractions landed me on bed rest. Now, whether that has something to do with my CP I'm not sure. It's possible that it is just the scar tissue in my cervix and uterus coupled with the fact that I have always had a physical reaction to severe stress. Even so the spasticity from the CP can't be helpful when you're trying to prevent a muscle from tightening.
So, now just like every time I had surgery growing up (13 times from ages 3-18) I am stuck in bed, dependent on others and hating every second of it. One day you can go anywhere you want and the next day the kitchen is off limits. It messes with your head. I'm a very social person and I need to be doing something/feeling productive. I've come up with a few things here and there to keep myself busy (and I'll keep you all posted if anything comes of them), but 16 days into bed rest and I already feel like it's been a month. Michael brought me the SIMs to pass the time, but I haven't installed it yet. It's amazing how many ways you can find to avoid sleeping when you're in bed all day.
So, I have no control over my body (as usual) and my day to day decisions at this point include which position to lie in next and whether or not to sleep and I know that while my physical freedom will improve once this little girl comes I will be subject to her demands so maybe I should try to get used to it now.

Mallory Dreams

I've talked about dreams before, but these are a very specific kind. Dreams about Michael's ex. I've heard other pregnant women talk about dreaming about their husbands cheating on them with their ex-wives/girlfriends while they are pregnant, but that's not it.

The first time I dreamt I was home with Isaac and two other small children I was babysitting while I was pregnant. Michael was there too and then he was just gone. I looked for him everywhere and had no way to reach him. I was furious. I chased the kids around getting them changed and fed all by myself and when he did come home he was with Mallory. Not what I imagine she looks like now after 3 babies and jail, but high school era Mallory. They were joking and laughing and having a great time. I was so mad that he'd just leave to go get her and then bring her to our house! Well a little while later I notice they're gone. This time I waited about 30 mins and then tried to reach him on his cell phone and he answered. "I was gonna bring Mallory home." He says. He just left to drive to an hoour back to her house without saying a word. When I asked when he'll be back he says they're just leaving (they left our house over a 30 mins ago!) from somewhere to take her home. I remind him that Isaac has an appointment 45mins away and we have to be in Tampa in a few hours. He had forgotten. That's when I woke up and punched Mike in the arm for being a jerk in my dream.

Not long after I had the first one I dreamt that Mike and I were in bed together and Mallory just climbed in with us. We got her to leave the room, but a few minutes later she was back. It went on like that for a while. Very strange. Michael thinks it's totally weird that I dream about her since I've seen video and pictures of his more recent ex. I think it has something to do with Mallory being the other girl he had a baby with. There's also the fact that she's pregnant again which I think about a lot because pregnancy means so much to me and seems so meaningless to her. Also, no other person has the power to be as disruptive to our lives as she does.
It's strange. I think I just wanted to write about it and see if it made anymore sense. Maybe it does and also knowing Mike will be seeing her this week to finish the final custody paperwork changes makes me wonder if I'll have more...

The Mobile

One of the first baby items I looked at was mobiles. That particular web browsing adventure left me incredibly frustrated. Everything faced the wrong direction, was drab and boring or just ugly. So, I asked Doreen if she could help me. I showed her one of two to give her an idea of what I liked, but pretty much I just specified something bright and colorful with dragonflies. I got a mobile on clearance for her to start with so we'd know it was secure and the lengths to make everything and she made this:

I can't even put into words how much I love it. It's bright, sparkly and everything is made to be seen from baby's point of view. She even used a scrap of the fabric from my glider on the top. It's so pretty and no one will even have one like it again (unless it survives this little one and gets passed down). Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

A Rough Day/Some Realizations

I had a bad day yesterday. Contractions for a couple hours (starting at 3:40pm) 10mins apart and then 5mins. I didn't want to go in and have them increase my Procardia so I just kept downing water. It took about a gallon of water before they stopped. Once they stopped I just wanted to be still, but the baby and my bladder had other plans. They were working together to make me uncomfortable. It was a LONG night.
Even though it was less dramatic than last time it really freaked me out. I haven't had them that close together for that long since I started the Procardia. I cried alot last night because I think the reality that the baby could come literally at any moment set in. I think I was in denial. We're just not ready and neither is she. We need some period of financial stability and she needs to develop her little lungs. I'm praying that both happen. I really can't imagine if she'd come yesterday, it's too scary to think about. Someone once told me to visualize the future I want. So, I'm lying in bed picturing Michael's great new job and a full term (37 week or more) baby. It's hard to believe in that today, but I'm trying.
Now, I'm completely obsessed with preemies. I was born at 30wks (27yrs ago). I watched a "Baby Story" about a 32wk preemie and 34wk twins both did very well. The twins on the show were home in two weeks. I was born on Feb 8th and came home March 17th. At the beginning of bed rest I got cocky and told everyone there was no danger of it being before late August/early September, but last night it felt clear that anything could happen. It's hard to keep being reminded of how little control I have. I don't trust my body, but I know with unshakable certainty that the baby will be ok. She has things to do. I believe in her more than myself right now.

Big Boy Adventures

When Isaac first heard about this whole baby shower idea being 6yrs old he was not a fan of the idea of a party to which he was not invited. It turned out Chance was able to watch him from noon-two. Isaac was very excited because as he put it "I'm going to Clare's house. She's my girlfriend." For those of you who don't know they have a rather adorable mutual crush. When Chance and Milissa were ready to head over for the second half of the shower they dropped Isaac at Randy's house to play with his other favorite little girl, Ivy. He had a great time. When the shower ended storm clouds were rolling in so the daddies (Chance and Mike) decided to take Clare and Isaac to Planet Jump. It's basically this huge warehouse filled with moon bounce things. And as the icing on the cake there was a present waiting for Isaac when he got home from his Gigi, great grandma on his mother's side. It was an awesome Marvel superhero t-shirt. Very cool big brother present. It was after his thank you call to Gigi that I told him the baby was a girl. He said "It is? I like little sisters!"
Sunday morning Isaac woke up and asked "Is it August, yet?". I said "No, why? You ready to go back to school?". He said "Yeah" and went off to play. Well a few hours later Grandma Jo, my dad's wife, came by with a big boy backpack full of back to school supplies. He was thrilled. The timing couldn't have been better.
She also brought his little sister a little pink outfit. Her first one. Thanks to everyone who made Isaac feel so special and loved the last 48hrs!

My Baby Shower

My baby shower was Saturday (July 18th). Because we don't have a lot of space we did the party in halves family came 12-2 and friends came 2-4. I was very nervous leading up to the shower that there wouldn't be enough space, chairs, etc for everyone. My RSVPs showed 36 total guests confirmed (38 counting Michael and I). Luckily everything worked out nicely and we had enough guests to be comfortable and not cramped. As far as chairs thank you Doreen and Dad and Joanne for bringing extra seating. The food was really good exactly what I was looking for. Thank you Bobby for working so hard to make all those mini cheesecakes they were amazing as usual. Also big thank yous to Bongo and Ruthie for the sandwiches which not only tasted wonderful they looked gorgeous. Thanks to Lara for bringing drinks and cups as well as your camera (and being so speedy to upload!). Last but not least bless you Doreen for humoring my fruit lady bug request!

Also, we never could have pulled it off without Chance's help. Thanks for all the time and labor you put into painting, furniture moving, cleaning, decorating etc. He stayed until 2am the night before working and still watched Isaac for us before coming to the party to be my official photographer of the second half. I could never thank you enough. He was also one of 3 people who remembered a baby picture for our game, so way to go!
I loved my decorations we did green and white because it wouldn't give away the gender and it's my favorite color. The decision was reinforced when I found these adorable plates, napkins etc that had a baby in a pea pod and said "sweet pea". I sent Mike and Chance all over for those because Party City didn't have them. Here's a picture:

We played the gender reveal game first, which was something Michael invited called "Bun in the oven." He passed out buns one of which had a G for girl written in pink. All the rest where blank inside. People peeked one at a time and then said either boy or girl. One person had the answer and everyone else was bluffing. Then we went around and guessed who had the answer. The person who had the answer won a prize and so did the person everyone thought had the answer. At the noon party Ruthie had the answer, but everyone thought it was Shannon. Also the bluffs were 50-50 boy and girl at that time. At two Sandy had the answer, but everyone thought Denise had it. That time one person said boy and everyone else said girl. Here's some pictures:



We also played the "yarn/belly" game which is the one where everyone tries to cut a piece of yarn that is the closest to the size of my belly. This was the point in the noon party where my father exclaimed "Oh, no. Now I know why men don't come to these things!" Susie had an interesting technique she decided since I was tiny she'd measure her bust line for comparison and ended up winning with an almost perfect length. At the second party Milissa took the prize for that one. We also played name the baby. Even though it was the first line of the invitation very few people remembered to bring a picture so we had 5 babies on the board the first party and 6 the second. It's fun to see who hasn't changed a bit. Here are some yarn game photos:




This little girl is awful lucky to have so many people who love her! Thank you so much for all the wonderful gifts and especially the good company as I gear up for a few more months of bed rest. Because I left the registry so open I was completely surprised by everything we got (which is WAY more fun). Funnily enough Bob and Susan got us a wonderful Graco Winnie the Pooh travel system and my dad and Joanne picked out a matching pack and play. It wasn't on the registry and neither of them had any idea what the other was getting us. I love them! Here's a picture of the stroller and pack and play put together:


I love them. Especially the color scheme it matches our nursery so well. I also got a wonderful handmade blanket from Gigi that’s green and yellow (it’s the blanket in the pack and play in the picture), an awesome shadowbox from Lara, a white piggy bank to customize from Amanda and all kinds of other goodies. Like I said she's a lucky little girl. And yes the gender neutral request is officially lifted so do what you gotta do. For those of you who weren't here to see it the nursery it has sort of a sage green on the walls the trim is lavender and there are some very pale yellow dragonflies on the walls. I'll post pictures one Mike finishes the base boards and I get some of the shower gifts put away. Thank you all so much again I'm brimming over with gratitude! Not only does it look like a real room for a real person, but I don't feel as completely unprepared for the baby should she decide to come early.

Drumroll Please...

For those of you who weren't at the shower....It's A Girl!!

Negative Comments

Ok, so there's this thing that happens when you get pregnant, strangers completely forget their manners. Is there any other time a stranger would walk up to you and touch you? Don't think so. I'm not an elitist, I'm proud of the belly and my little kickboxer, but if we're not on a first name basis ask first. Or when would anyone comment on/criticize your weight? Seriously, just use some common sense when you comment on how much weight a hormonal pregnant lady has gained. Also, when else would someone comment on what you're eating? It seems to me during the pregnancy is the worst time to pick on someone's lunch. It's not the dark ages we all know what's safe and unsafe for the baby.
Beyond the obvious everyone's got advice. Which is hardest for me to take from childless friends, but sometimes equally annoying from people with kids. I'm the queen of research. I pick everyone's brain and welcome conversation, but there's a time and a place. Please do not tell me about your horrible miscarriage/still born child experiences I have plenty to worry about. If I ask you about your labor experience and it was bad no worries I'm prepared for bad when that's the topic. Aside from scary stuff there are some things that are conversational pieces of information not invitations for commentary. If you ask me what I'm thinking about for names you're welcome to tell me you don't care for my choice, but I don't want to hear a 20min speech about all the negative associations you have with it. If it sounds like or rhymes with a part of human anatomy or has a horrible nickname then it's your duty to point it out. If you have some memory of some pop culture incident, person who used to torture you or some such thing that I don't know about I don't need to know. My kid, my choice.
Speaking of choices, why do people care so much whether you give birth naturally, breast feed, go back to work, or stay at home with the baby? Those are personal, individual choices, but I guess they could be genuinely concerned (depending on level of familiarity). Then there's stupid stuff like the color of the nursery, going home from the hospital outfit, who's throwing/invited to the baby shower and so on. Why the hell do you care? If you do care why would you say so. The world will not end if I do it my way I'm sure of it.
But by far the worst is Michael's doom and gloom attitude about certain things. I know he had a kid before, but it wasn't with me. He warned me that breastfeeding was really hard and most women give up. Well, just because Mallory preferred to sleep than feed her child does not mean I'll be so easily deterred. Because first of all I care a hell of alot more than his ex did at 17yr old and my determination is legendary. So while I accept it may be hard to get started and I may need to supplement at first, but I will do it as much for me as the baby. Also, Mike was really annoying about the registry. Apparently he and Mallory went a little crazy with the scanner at Target the first go round which caused such an overwhelming amount of crap on the registry that they got very few necessities. Well, my game plan from the beginning was to do a little research find out what we had to have and find the best deals so no one was overwhelmed. I wanted comments on the registry so people would know which features were important to me and pick what they thought was best. I'm not exactly an impulsive shopaholic. I also find it ironic that Mr. “Don't add that $20 item someone will get it instead of something we really need” picked out the $119 high chair. Sigh.
He also went on and on about how awful the end of the pregnancy is. Well, I expect to be uncomfortable, irritable and sleep deprived at the end but don't want to focus on it. At this point it’s not likely I’ll get to 40 wks anyway. The newest thing he harps on about is how awful the first few months of the babies life can be. I'm no new comer to babies. I babysat up a storm in middle and high school. It's not easy. My cousin's little girl screamed for the first few months of her life no matter what they fed her and I lived through babysitting her. I know it's not the same as having your own newborn, but I'm just saying my expectations are not unrealistic. I pointed out that this baby is not Isaac, Mike’s not 19 anymore or raising this one on his own, and I'm not his ex. I prefer to think positive and know the worse case scenario exists.
Positive thoughts little one, keep cooking.

Third Trimester Reflections

I can't believe it's been 7months. Times takes on a different sort of shape and feel when you're pregnant. I remember the time before I took the test stretching on and on forever in the early days I wanted to go back there. To that still calm period when I suspected, but maintained total ignorance. I ignored the little twinges, didn't over analysis what I ate or worry about every possible outcome of my life decisions (as much). Then there was the storm of emotions when I was faced with the reality of things. Maybe storm is an inappropriate metaphor, more like monsoon or tsunami. I was shaking with anticipation and then there was a slow leak of information permeating the wall of my complete shock. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. When that wall fell I was engulfed by emotion. Mostly negative to begin with. I could barely speak through my tears. I don't remember any one emotion being predominate, but I would guess it was fear. After I calmed down slightly I just felt like I was in a fog that never lifted. One day it did and I was completely at peace. It was the most calm I'd ever felt in my life. My cousin told me it was my maternal instincts kicking in because stress is bad for the baby.
That was early on and didn't last long. I was so sick in the beginning. I didn't want to eat or even move. The same cousin informed me that one day at about 11wks it would be like someone flipped a switch and I'd feel better. I remember thinking I'd never survive the 6wks it would take to get to that point. I just kept telling Mike "I'm no good at pregnant." I was beyond miserable. The lowest moment came near the end of that time when I was fired. I'd never been fired before ever. I thought I was good at my job, but running to the ladies room to puke every night and calling out for trips to the ER don't go over well. I was still feel sad thinking about that phone call. When I hung up I kept thinking two more weeks and I'd be fine. Why couldn't they wait two weeks?
Then like promised the switch flipped. That's when the excitement started to set in. I had the energy to be out and about, I was eating without throwing up again, my skin started clearing up, my hair grew and so did my belly. It wasn't easy I had my stupid hip popping out of the socket, the bursitis (same hip), swelling, horrible back pain and a couple of scares, but over all I feel pretty good. I was doing maternity yoga which helped a lot, but pregnancy’s rough on a tiny person with bad joints and tight muscles. 11-26wks was good. I started to feel excited. My maternity clothes fit better, I bought some things for the baby and oh, the ultrasounds. First peek at little one didn't count it was at 8wks in the ER no pictures and the baby closely resembled a gummy bear. The second time I cried. It was a person with fingers, toes, a face and a beating heart. A person I made that was alerting me to its presence with lots of kicks at that point. A beautiful healthy baby. The third time was a wonderful one too. Not only did I know there was a person in there, but now I knew what kind of person it was. I thought I'd be disappointed depending on what we heard, but I was thrilled beyond belief just to know. I'll talk more about that day after tomorrow when everyone finds out.
The last few weeks were scary and stressful. I have a ticker on one of the baby sites I go to counting days since I was put on bed rest and I can never believe how few it's been. On the plus side I'm more ravenous than ever and obviously not able to burn off all the calories so my belly (and baby) are expanding. I hope this little one stays put and keeps growing for a while. I'm really going to miss feeling the baby move around in there. So, now we wait. I'm no good at that never have been and it's literally all I can do until the baby comes. Which I cry when I think about. I think I'm noticing alot more weepiness lately in general, but think about holding your first baby and tell me if it doesn't stir emotion. To be fair though the sight of a cheeseburger "stirs emotion" for me at this point. (:
So, there you have an overview of my emotional roller coaster to date. Much more commentary to come about what's happened and happening with me and the baby. Thanks for reading.

Grow Belly Grow

Here's my progression from from 19-26weeks:
 

Test Results

The fFN test was negative. Yay! There'll be one every two weeks or so to make sure. And we're only days away from the shower. Yay! And some time in the next week or so my mom will be here. Yay!

"The Easy Way Out"

An article with some interesting comments from male (of course) medical professionals

It really is unfair. I never had the choice of a natural, vaginal birth because of my medical issues and now there's a pretty clear indication that this little one's coming early. I got pregnant knowing it would have to be a c-section delivery and I'm ok with that.
But just like a 1,000 other things, why do people who shouldn't have opinions (aka men, etc) tell you you're wrong and should feel bad for making any other choice? I do feel bad sometimes that I don't have a choice, but in the end I feel that whatever I need to do to survive the delivery in the best possible shape and leave with a healthy baby is my responsibility as a mother.
PS: C-sections are not easy. This is my first baby, but I've had the same surgery to remove a fibroid from my uterus. Anyone man or women who thinks abdominal surgery is a piece of cake needs to try it some time, especially under emergency conditions.
I mean what does that imply? That anyone who can't have an uncomplicated vaginal delivery deserves to hemorrhage or that their baby will never love them? Ridiculous.